- Paul Cumbo
Two Minutes in the Van with Three Children
Updated: May 7, 2021
For your entertainment (and by way of warning to those of you who are contemplating having children), I offer this
Un-Edited Transcript of a Two Minutes of the Ride Home
Thursday afternoon, July 25, 2019
The Participants:
DADDY: Me
THREE: Our three-and-a-half-year-old son
FIVE: Our five-year-old daughter
SEVEN: Our seven-year-old son
THREE
Daddy?
DADDY
Yes?
THREE
How come some buildings are water towers?
DADDY
Um
THREE
Like how come only some buildings are water towers?
DADDY
Well, because only some buildings are…well, used as water towers.
THREE
And why do they have a thing that lets the water out?
DADDY
Because that’s how they work.
THREE
What is that thing?
DADDY
That’s called a pipe.
THREE
(Incredulous, disbelieving.)
You said it’s a pipe! A pipe!
DADDY
Yes.
THREE
For the water?
DADDY
Yes, for the water.
THREE
Except, Daddy?
DADDY
Yeah?
THREE
What if the pipe was an octagon?
DADDY
Well, I guess that would be okay anyway. I'm glad you know about octagons.
THREE
Yeah, they're shapes. I know all about them.
DADDY
I see.
SEVEN
You don't know ALL about them, just some things.
FIVE
I see the bank.
THREE
No, I see the bank ‘cause it’s on MY SIDE.
FIVE
Yeah but I saw it first.
THREE
(Screaming suddenly)
YOU CAN’T SEE IT BECAUSE IT’S ON MY SIDE OF OUR VAN AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOWS ON MY SIDE OF THE VAN BECAUSE THAT'S SO ANNOYING!!!!!!!!
FIVE
(Screaming louder, at a higher pitch)
YES I CANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
THREE
DADDDYYYYY!!!!
DADDY
What? Dear God will you both stop shouting.
THREE and FIVE
(Simultaneous indecipherable whining about windows and the bank)
Meanwhile, SEVEN
Daddy?
DADDY
Yep?
SEVEN
Are we almost home?
DADDY
Let’s hope so.
THREE
(calm now)
But Daddy?
DADDY
Yes?
THREE
Why are some houses octagons?
DADDY
Um, well...
FIVE (interrupting)
No houses are octagons. Houses aren’t allowed to be octagons. It’s against the law.
SEVEN
No it isn’t.
FIVE
Yes it is.
DADDY
Actually, out west in the Navajo Nation, there are houses called...
SEVEN and THREE
(Rising to shout)
No it isn’t!!!!!!!
FIVE
(Full shouting)
YESSSSS ITTTTT ISSSSSSSS!!!!
DADDY
Stop it! There is no law on the books prohibiting octagonal houses. There are some octagonal houses. Just not here. Now stop.
THREE
(calm again)
Daddy?
DADDY
What?
THREE
Where’s mommy?
DADDY
At work.
THREE
But I want her to pick us up and drive us instead of you.
DADDY
I long for the same.
THREE
Why are you long for it?
DADDY
It’s…just an expression. It means I wish that, too.
SEVEN
Are we almost home?
DADDY
Fortunately.
FIVE
Daddy?
DADDY
Yep?
FIVE
When we get home, I’m going to poop on your head.
DADDY
Please don’t.
THREE and SEVEN, in unison:
Poop on his head! Poop on his head!
DADDY
There will be no pooping on anyone’s head.
THREE
Houses can be Octagons.
FIVE.
No, they can't.
DADDY
We are home.